“It has been such a long process of you two falling in love without noticing,” a friend said to me.

It’s true, and when we both finally realized, it was overwhelming knowing he is in a relationship. It was too late. How much am I in love with this man? Was he really in love with me? How much?

I want to be the person he thinks about when he wakes up. The last person before he falls asleep. I want to be the only person he is in love with. The only person. The person he wants and needs in his time of need. I want to be the one who makes him smile and never makes him cry. I want to be the one he has fun with. I want to have silly disagreements about anything and then laugh with him because we’re being unreasonable. I want to hug him as long as I want without feeling it’s wrong. I want to talk about crazy things all day long and never tire because I know we will never tire of each other. Everyday is amazing when I’m around him. I want to spend every moment together because we have a special bond. A strong bond that entwines us. A bond that is breaking my heart because the man I want to be with is with someone else.

It’s my fault, I fell in love without noticing. It’s my fault because I let myself feel. I shouldn’t have opened up. I shouldn’t have let him in. I should have been happy by myself. I knew it early on. Should I have said something? It wouldn’t have made a difference. She was pregnant. He didn’t feel the same about me. I’ve never been in a situation like this. I don’t know what to do. He’s with her. I want something that I cannot have. I never should have allowed myself to feel this way. I think I’ve fallen in love with the wrong person.

“I love you today,” is what he said to me and now I sit here and this couldn’t have been truer. Not tomorrow, a year from now, forever. Just today. I don’t need someone who changes their mind day by day. I need someone who will love me forever and want to be with me forever. Not someone who will leave me in the future because they think it’s a mistake. This is why I don’t like relationships. What if it’s not forever.

I sit here thinking about the ways I can get him off my mind. The ways I can clear him out of my thinking. A change of location is always good. Clear my mind. Change my mind. Wipe it clean. Stop myself from feeling what I feel. Then what? I still have to come back and see him. The most complicated part, I work with him. I work with the man I’m in love with. But how much do I love him? The man who’s with someone else. Do I really feel this way or have I been swept up in the concept of being in love?

Then I think about a fresh start. I’ve obviously gone wrong somewhere. I went with the flow and I ended up down the wrong path. I was always taught to go with the flow. Isn’t that what grows your soul? Shouldn’t it be this easy? It has been easy when around him. Every hurdle we’ve hit is about her. Was it too easy? Have I been wrong all this time? Is the man I end up with meant to come with conflict and struggle? To prove something? To prove our relationship is true and real and worth it? I thought it’s about it being easy.

I never thought this would happen. My soul needs to find what it’s looking for. I have to learn from this lesson. Learn that I should never feel like this again. Never let it get so far. Look for someone who’s single. Someone I can trust. Look for someone else. Maybe it’s his qualities I like but he’s not the one for me. Maybe this has taught me which qualities to go for in a man. And he could be the right qualities but wrong person. Maybe he’s taught me to open up and let people in and that I am capable of doing this. Maybe he’s made me ready for my true love. Not him.

It’s easy to give up and let him be. He’s suffering and I cannot help. He wants to give it a go with her and play the martyr. I believed and trusted him to leave her. He said he would. He promised. Would he wait for me if the tables were turned? I wonder how he would feel knowing he was an “option”. He suffers because he wants to and that doesn’t make me feel good about myself. He would never go through what I am going through for me. He’s not strong enough.

He doesn’t realize that she may never trust him ever again. It will not be the same. There will always be doubt. When he wants time alone, she will doubt him. When he checks his phone, she will doubt him. If he has a social life, she will doubt him. I know this because she doubts him now. It’s a sad and lonely situation for him to be in but it’s his situation that he doesn’t want to change. He wants to play martyr and settle for something instead of follow his heart.

Do I need someone stronger? Someone who can take charge? Do I need someone who will fight for me instead? Yes. I need someone who never has to think about being with me. I need someone strong, who can support me! Someone who I know will always put me first! Someone that has faith in me.

It may have been a long process of us falling in love without noticing but is it worth the pain if I’m the only one wanting it. The only one fighting for this.