When I broke up with an ex boyfriend years ago I was truly heart broken. My mother said something that I would never forget. She told me that she’d never been in love and that all she knew about such love was written in the romance novels she read. This truly broke my heart and it’s haunted me to this very day. It brings tears to my eyes when I remember what she said and at worst I break down and cry.
What if I end up spending my life with someone I am not in love with? That I just settle for what’s out there? That I stop searching because there’s no point. That I shy away from relationships because of the heartache it caused me years ago?
I now wonder if my mother is better off. Being in love comes with pain and heartache, if it ends. And now I see two people living in a house together, with no true love between them. Finished raising their children. Doing what?
I can’t be like this. I can’t live my life and just settle for anything. It makes me cry to know my mother has never been in love. Never felt the intensity. Never felt the need to call her love just to hear their voice in the middle of the day. To wake them up when you’ve had a bad dream so they can calm you down. To realize you’ve drifted away from them at night so you snuggle against them, right where you belong. To look into their eyes across the room and know that everything is going to be alright. To have a bad day and know that when they hold you in their arms, everything disappears. To know that time stands still when it’s just the two of you. To know that nothing else matters when you’re with them. To know it’s the two of you – strong, loyal, in love. To feel this instant attraction and passion. To feel like you need to kiss them, in that moment, just walk over and kiss them. To feel that you can do so many things together and never get bored. To talk about everything and anything. To open up and feel vulnerable. To trust them fully and know they will never hurt you.
I want this. I will never stop looking for this. I will search the world to find this. And when I find it, I will never give it up.
To feel this is what I want.