I don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore. I’m in constant confusion. Should I stay or should I go. After 3 years of living in a new country, having fun, falling in love, and having my heart broken, I really don’t know what to do. Do I run away and escape it all? Take it as a chapter that I need to close? I just don’t see my purpose anymore. I don’t see meaning in staying. I don’t know why I’m in this country. Nothing makes me happy. I’m ok but I’m not happy. I don’t want to be just ok. I want to be happy.
I want to start searching again. Start looking for my missing piece. I thought I’d found it but I hadn’t. I was mistaken. And now I’m left contemplating. What do I do? I don’t want to wish my life away but I can’t wait to find what I’m looking for. Will I ever find it? What if I can’t find it unless I leave? Unless I have a fresh start? I need to stop feeling like this. Maybe a new start is what I need. New beginnings. So much is going through my head and I’m so confused. What if I regret leaving? Giving up my life here. What if I miss out on opportunities here?
I tell others to take a leap! Have faith! Believe! I tell them to change their life if they’re not happy because only they can make it different. How can I say all this when I’m not doing the same? I’m watching the days pass by. Watching my life happen but I’m not really present. I busy myself with mundane tasks. None of which make me happy. Just to pass my time. What if I wake up one day and regret this time I’ve wasted. Regret the unhappiness when I know I could have made a difference and changed.
I need to decide. I have a deadline and I need to decide. Whatever I decide I need to feel it in my heart. I’m scared but I’m even more scared of regretting the chances I don’t take. I want to be happy again. I want to smile and mean it. I want to laugh and feel it. I want to find love again. I want to be with the one I love and with the one who loves me. I want to see happiness in my future. I want to be married in the future and wake up everyday next to the one I love. What if this is the path I’m meant to take and all this heartache was meant to be? I don’t know anything anymore. My life is passing by and I’m unhappy.