“I like writing in pencil. There’s something so indefinite about it. Like life, it can be changed. It’s like you have a plan in life and you change your mind, so you erase the plan and re-write it. That’s probably why I like writing in pencil”.

This is what I wrote a couple of years ago and now I’m finding it hard to erase the pencil. What about the times I’ve written in pen? Made what I thought were permanent plans about where I want my life to go? Who I want to be with? Where I want to be? I’ve written in pen and now what do I do? I should’ve kept writing in pencil. Kept myself open to new opportunities. Not tied my emotions down. Not opened my mouth. Just kept quiet about my feelings.

How long do I spend my life writing in pencil? Will it only be my past that I write about in pen? Will there ever be a certain future for me? It’s scary not knowing where my life will end up now. Where will I be? Which country will I be in? Will I ever find a final place I can call home. They say home is where your heart is. But my heart is lost. It doesn’t know where it belongs. It’s wanders the world searching for a home. Hoping and wishing one day it will find the right home to settle in.

Writing in pencil or pen? Which one?